All the pretty nurses

Nursing is dead.

My anxiety started to win the battle in the fight to stay in school. I have officially given my notice to withdraw from my nursing course. It all started on Thursday last week. I fond myself putting on my uniform and wishing i could just go play with MstrD instead. Mr D was running around doing this and that trying to get out the door while MstrD just wanted me to stay in his room and build a barn out of lego.

MstrD is a very smart child. He can manipulate better than a 7 year old wanting ice-cream. He draggs you into his room then stands there and looks up at you with the same expression as shrek's Puss in boots and says in a quiet voice "Mummy, can you help me to make a barn, please, please?" The please please is very quick and heartbreaking. How the hell do i say no to him when he's being so sweet?

Then on Saturday i had assignments and study to do and MstrD was by my side for most of the day asking for my time. I drove to a party on Saturday night (girls night in)when over the radio comes Cats in the cradle. I bawled my eyes out.

On Monday I played with MstrD until 9:30 before finally taking him to kindy. Instead of going to TAFE i went home & cleaned the house from top to bottom. I actually had clean sheets on the beds and  mopped floors and no laundry just sitting in a pile on the computer table. I felt good.

On Tuesday i dropped MstrD off a kindy, raced home and did 1 hour of exercise, then tidied the house & went to lunch with a girlfriend that i haven't had time to catch up with.

On Wednesday i took it a bit easy and watched some TV then did some shopping and caught up with another friend i'd neglected.

So here i am on Friday and i haven't thought about going into TAFE at all this week. I've played with MstrD every morning, I've had dinner on the table every night and i've been able to exercise 4/5 days. My mood has imporved and i feel better within myself.

The bottom line for me is that i need to nourish my home & hearth side for a while. To be content and happy within myself & to find out where the hell my libido went the last few months...

Disney is not just for kids!

If you know me then you know i love all things Disney.  I grew up on Cinderella, Snow White, Aurora, Ariel & Jasmine's stories. I wished for Prince Charming to sweep me off my glass slippered feet and whisk me away to a castle in the sky.

A few years ago i had the privilege to visit a Disneyland park for the very first time. It was Hong Kong Disney & I was so excited. It was just MrD and myself as MstrD wasn't even a twinkle in our eyes. At 28 I was awed at seeing Mickey Mouse. Speechless when Snow White agreed to a photograph with me and i blushed when i met Prince Caspian (from Narnia). I ate my first Mickey Bar Ice-cream and climbed into the little wooden boat for the 'I'ts a small world' ride.

Then Last year i took MrD & MstrD to Walt Disney World in Florida. To say that place is enormous isn't doing it justice. 4 theme parks, 2 water parks plus 2 dining and entertainment precincts. There are almost 30 Disney hotels on the property ranging from campsites to deluxe villas with everything in between. Free busses connect the properties and you can even get all inclusive stays with meals. Sound amazing yet?

We stayed at Disney's Animal Kingdom Lodge. This property is surrounded by mock african planes complete with real animals. We would walk out onto our balcony and watch giraffes, zebras & buffalo grazing on the lawn below us. They had extended the african theme right through the hotel from it's name "Jambo house" which means welcome home to the drumming staff in full traditional african costume greeting us in the foyer. We spent a week here but could have easily stayed longer except Disney had another trick in their box.

Enter Disney Cruise Line

Yep, thats right. Disney do cruises. Unlike Nicolodeon who have themed areas on some Norwegian cruise ships Disney actually have 4 purpose built ships that cruise amazing destinations such as the Caribbean, Alaska & even Europe.  The Disney Fantasy is the newest ship in the fleet and it's currently doing 7 night trips around the eastern and western Caribbean.  I had booked us on a 7 night western caribbean cruise. We left from Port Canaveral (of NASA fame) on the ships 2nd voyage. We had a family cabin with balcony. all the cabins on board are designed with families in mind and have baths & showers. Curtain dividers within the room to section the kids off and a king bed for mum & dad. The kids clubs on board are incredible and they even have a daycare for kids over 6 weeks but under 3 years. There is a private adults only swimming area on the ship as well as countless food & drink stations. free ice-cream was a hit with MstrD.

Our cruise was also set up to make a stop at Disney's private island Castaway key. A lost paradise hidden away in the Bahamas. It has a family side and an adults only side. We could snorkle for sunken Mickey statues, eat at one of 2 buffets or just soak up the sun on a beach lounge. Everything except alcohol, gratuity & specialty coffee was included and out total bill for a week was less than $300.

So why am i telling you all of this? Basically it's to get the word out. Disney also does weddings & has a Disney princess gown and jewellery collection. They have all inclusive WDW park packages starting from US $100.00 pp/pn. Thats meals, park entry & accommodation. Worth checking out if you ask me.

Lucid Dreaming

How do you fall asleep?

For me i lay down in bed, close my eyes & tell myself a story. I set the scene. Perhaps I'm a princess in a tall tower on a distant planet with 6 moons or maybe i'm reenacting a sliding doors moment from my past or maybe i'm fantasising about meeting... ok having sex with, a famous person. It's my imagination and i can do whatever i want. Don't judge.

Somewhere along the way i fall asleep. I know i'm dreaming though, and if my subconscious tries to stop me from doing things like flying through sky with Superman or calming down the hulk in the middle of a rage i can stop it, rewind or jump to another planet altogether. Thats the power i have in my dreams. 

I thought everyone dreamt this way. When i started having problems (i'll get to that) i googled how to have more control in my dreams and i found out that lucid dreaming isn't that common. It's actually something people aspire to do. Really creative people make a carrear out of it. Steven Spielberg has said that some of his inspiration has come from lucid dreaming. There are pages and pages of information on the internet teaching people how to lucid dream. Strange eh.

So the problem i'm experiencing at the moment is that my subconscious has seen every scary movie made in the last 20 years and has decided to sneak the antagonist into my dreams. One moment i'm walking down the red carpet with Jensen Ackles, next minute i'm running from Samara of The Ring! Now Jensen could pull a Dean Winchester and help me out but i bunk out into one of my other fantasies. So now i'm sailing on the prow of the Titanic with Leo and Jaws flys up at me. Jump into an alternate reality where my twin sister is dating hunky blair Redford aka Ethan Whitehorse and suddenly i see the lady in black. 

It's like i'm stuck in a video game of horrors. This jumping goes on & on until i wake myself up. So why has my subconscious turned on me? Well i think it's because there is something in my life that i need to face but i really don't want to. My goal tonight is to stay within Ian Somerhalder's embrace and face whatever terror is coming for me.

I'll let you all know how i go!

Blog worthy

To blog or not to blog… What was the question?

As a layperson that has decided to start blogging there are questions I need answers for.  How long should my blogs be? Do I have to blog everyday or only blog when inspiration hits?  Is that inspiration blog worthy or just a good Facebook status?

Doing a quick bit of googling (sounds dirty eh) I’ve found that there are many opinions on how often you should blog and what you should blog about. Most say that you have to be consistent but not necessary blog everyday.  Once or twice a week is apparently the average.

Content is completely up the blogger. So it’s up to me to decide if something is blog worthy and length is dependant upon the topic and how much I wish to say about it but again it should be consistent. You can have a one-word blog but it won’t keep people interested.

Plagiarism is obviously frowned upon. If you can’t write something new & constructive, don’t copy & paste as though you did. Sounds simple enough to me. I blog, to get my thoughts out, not to retell someone else’s.

To summarise it’s all up to me. This page is a monarchy and I am its queen. I have the final say of what, when & how long each blog is.  

Scared yet? 

When i'm lost, i'm found.

There is something amazingly sweet about a 2 year old walking into your bedroom at 6:30am. Tapping you on the shoulder & asking for some milk. His blue blanket dragging on the floor behind him and his dummy in his hand.

I like waking up this way.

Then reality sets in. You've slept through your alarm and you only have 40 mins to get out the door. Right! MrD is on his phone checking on his servers. Making sure nothing crashed overnight so i know he's going to be MIA for the next 20 mins. I walk out into the kitchen and a smell hits me... I don't have to time to hunt it down on the messy bench the child needs milk. Turn on the TV, sit child down, give child milk. done :) Hooray!

The morning goes on in a chaotic factor.  MrD comes out and complains about the smell. I go to pull MstrD into the shower with me only to find he has a poo's in his nappy ect ect and i can feel the anxiety welling up inside me. I have to leave the house by 7:30 to get a car park or i'm screwed!

You see i have a panic anxiety disorder. For most people missing a car park means they have to find another one, walk further to class, or forget about it & go to the beach. For me, missing out on a car park is the worst thing that could ever happen. So as we get closer & closer to 7:30 and being no where near close enough to leave, one of two things will happen. I will break down or i go numb.

Today i chose to go numb. It's like a computer going on standby. Your there but you can't feel anything. As an adult it's easier to go numb than to have a full on crying, screaming breakdown so it's my preferred method of dealing with the anxiety. I shutdown, say the bare minimum and move without a care in the world. And it's true, i don't have a care in the world. I don't care about anything. I'm not going to harm myself, my basic life preserving mechanisms are still in tact i'm just in a holding pattern waiting for the chance to sort it all out away from other people. I  stay numb until i find a place to be alone & gather my thoughts.  I work out a plan, say my mantra. 'It's only anxiety and it will pass' and take a few deep calming breaths. Then i look at what contingency plans i have.

Ok, so the car park is gone, I can now park x or y. It may cost me more but i can still get to class on time. There, that wasn't so bad. Now i can breathe again. I find that i can focus my thoughts and pull myself together when i'm alone. I can do anything as long as no one is relying on me or watching me and more to the point i love doing things by myself.

I love getting lost, as long as i'm on my own. It's my favourite thing to do. When i was about 13 i lived in Tasmania. The bus system there had a ticket that would let you catch as many busses as you like within 90mins for only $1.10. I would spend hours riding the bus to the last stop or getting off at an interchange and getting on the next bus that pulled in. I explored most of Hobart that way.

I've done the same thing in other places since then and once i got my drivers licence, nothing could stop me. I also have a super power. I have the ability to walk down streets in my head, to remember places via landmarks and suburb names and when i'm alone in my car i will try different ways to get where i'm going. It helps that living on the Gold Coast there are at least 5 different ways to get anywhere and i know them all :)

I managed to get a car park at TAFE this morning and i wasn't late for class but i needed the drive, alone in my car to make peace with myself and to keep moving. Weather i'm lost in a city or within my own body i can always find my way out again. All i need is a little bit of time, space and freedom.

In the end when i'm lost i'm found.

I’ve got a pumpkin, 3 mice a lizard and a rat uh, huh. ♫

It’s amazing what bursts from childhood flood your mind when you can’t listen to a lecture. I’m supposed to be learning about lung disease but there are a few issues.

Firstly it’s our first day back at TAFE after 2 weeks off at Easter.  So naturally everyone is drinking coffee and chatting about what happened during the break.

Secondly the pre lecture notes haven’t gone up on the website. Now at university you sit in a lecture hall and write hell for leather every word your lecturer says. In our TAFE course you download the power points that they are showing for the day and write your notes next to it. Talk about spoon-fed. 

Because the nursing staff haven’t uploaded the PowerPoint the class is sitting around making jokes & chatting about the holidays because they don’t know any other way to study.

Thirdly we have a stand in lecturer. Our regular lecturer is extremely strict. The type of woman to throw you out if your mobile phone goes off.  Who locks the door as the lecture starts to deter latecomers. This lecturer is currently standing in the media closet, delivering a death by PowerPoint style lecture because she can’t get the equipment to work.

Add to that the Internet isn’t working so the people who would normally be playing games & instant messaging to pass the time are stuck staring vapidly at the sterile white walls.

Latecomers abound. It’s almost an hour into the lecture and hung over misfits are still dribbling into the classroom with jumbo coffee’s and dark sunglasses. 

On the plus side, The power point will be up before the tute this afternoon and we all re read over it as a group.

Hrm, our regular lecturer just walked in. Time to stop blogging.

TTFN. 

Unoriginal procrastination.

Facebook - Check
Hotmail - Check
Candy Crush, Bubble witch, Iconmania, Check, Check & Check. Now i can add Blogging. Check :)

I wish there was a new way to procrastinate. I'm back to enter my 2nd blog post for today.  I have to write a 1500 word assignment about caring for older clients. 1500 words on constipation, osteoporosis and urine tract infections. I started doing my EN nursing course because i thought it would be a good profession to help people in. Nurses do a great job. I've been in hospital a number of times for various operations and the nursing staff have always made me feel special. (with the exception of an older nurse who wanted me to breastfeed at 2am when we had both finally gotten to sleep)

Nurses checked blood pressure & understood cardiac rhythms. On ER & Greys anatomy they wait at the bedside for the dr to give direction and they spring into action. They are polite, they understand drug names & doses and give you care like your mum would when your sick. They help you shower, toilet & eat when you can no longer do it for yourself.

Now all this is great if Jensen Ackles or Miranda Kerr are your patients but the reality is more like an overweight 80 year old with pressure sores. As a nurse you treat everyone the same regardless of age but there is always a moment where you go 'ugh, old man balls' and wonder why your doing your job.

When i started my course everything was theory based. I learnt about the body and how it works. what actually happens to make your body type at a keyboard. I was taught about chronic diseases such as diabetes & Motor neurone disease but now i'm getting closer to my practical assessment. My brain is thinking, Do i really want to shower, dress & feed older people for the rest of my life?

I asked my nursing student colleagues this question. I was surprised by their responses. First one was: I'll work in a hospital so i don't have to deal with aged care. Seriously? i mean SERIOUSLY? have you been into hospital lately? it's full of sick people over the age of 60.

Second one: I'm going into Paediatrics: Ok, This sounds doable. No old people there but... i have a toddler and when MstrD gets gastro it comes flying out of both ends with force. So instead of feeding, dressing & showering old people you have to do it for kids. Not to mention the crying and having to do procedures on scared kids looking up at you with baleful please don't hurt me eyes. Then there are the terminal kids cases. 6 year olds dying of cancer & brain tumours. No thank you.

The last one: I'm going to do Midwifery so i get to deliver babies all day long. I should note that this girl hasn't experienced labour. Thinking back to my own delivery of MstrD i felt sorry for my midwife. She had to run around appeasing my support people and the Dr. through the entire shift. water, dilation, pushing, screaming and blood. Oh yes, the blood. With the baby comes plenty of fluid and you know who's job that is. The nurse. The dr. delivers the babies. The mother holds them, bonding skin to skin while daddy coos over the top and the Nurse is between the mums legs gathering up the fluids for disposal.

Finally they asked me how i would prefer my patients. My immediate response was: Unconscious.   HEY! i could be onto something there. Maybe i can be a theatre nurse. That requires a lot of standing on your feet & keeping track of instruments. You also get to hold the sucker thing occasionally. I could do that, as long as i keep my blood pressure up.

I went home and spoke to my dad who asked why i didn't want to do his job. He's an anaesthetic technician. I'd never thought about that before. I sit on a chair in the surgeries and monitor an unconscious patients vital signs for the anaesthetist. If they go down, i tell him. if they go up, i tell him.
Intrigued i looked in to what else a tech does. They calm the patient before the operation. Help situate the patient on the operating table. monitor vital signs and assist them to wake up. Then you clean the equipment for the next patient.

This sounds better and better. The only problem is i'm doing the wrong course.  So i have booked an appointment with the careers councillor at TAFE to see if i can/should change. The appointment, however is not until wednesday and i have this assignment to write 1500 words about the older client due tomorrow.

So i keep doing the rounds, Facebook, hotmail, Candy crush, bubble witch, Iconmannia and now Blogging in a vein attempt at putting off my assignment. I think i've now written more than 1500 words about why i'm doing the wrong course instead of getting the job done and doing my course work.

If blog number 3 goes up today i'm quitting my course before i talk to any counsellor. Obviously i've already chosen which garden i want to grow and it doesn't involve text books.