There is something amazingly sweet about a 2 year old walking into your bedroom at 6:30am. Tapping you on the shoulder & asking for some milk. His blue blanket dragging on the floor behind him and his dummy in his hand.
I like waking up this way.
Then reality sets in. You've slept through your alarm and you only have 40 mins to get out the door. Right! MrD is on his phone checking on his servers. Making sure nothing crashed overnight so i know he's going to be MIA for the next 20 mins. I walk out into the kitchen and a smell hits me... I don't have to time to hunt it down on the messy bench the child needs milk. Turn on the TV, sit child down, give child milk. done :) Hooray!
The morning goes on in a chaotic factor. MrD comes out and complains about the smell. I go to pull MstrD into the shower with me only to find he has a poo's in his nappy ect ect and i can feel the anxiety welling up inside me. I have to leave the house by 7:30 to get a car park or i'm screwed!
You see i have a panic anxiety disorder. For most people missing a car park means they have to find another one, walk further to class, or forget about it & go to the beach. For me, missing out on a car park is the worst thing that could ever happen. So as we get closer & closer to 7:30 and being no where near close enough to leave, one of two things will happen. I will break down or i go numb.
Today i chose to go numb. It's like a computer going on standby. Your there but you can't feel anything. As an adult it's easier to go numb than to have a full on crying, screaming breakdown so it's my preferred method of dealing with the anxiety. I shutdown, say the bare minimum and move without a care in the world. And it's true, i don't have a care in the world. I don't care about anything. I'm not going to harm myself, my basic life preserving mechanisms are still in tact i'm just in a holding pattern waiting for the chance to sort it all out away from other people. I stay numb until i find a place to be alone & gather my thoughts. I work out a plan, say my mantra. 'It's only anxiety and it will pass' and take a few deep calming breaths. Then i look at what contingency plans i have.
Ok, so the car park is gone, I can now park x or y. It may cost me more but i can still get to class on time. There, that wasn't so bad. Now i can breathe again. I find that i can focus my thoughts and pull myself together when i'm alone. I can do anything as long as no one is relying on me or watching me and more to the point i love doing things by myself.
I love getting lost, as long as i'm on my own. It's my favourite thing to do. When i was about 13 i lived in Tasmania. The bus system there had a ticket that would let you catch as many busses as you like within 90mins for only $1.10. I would spend hours riding the bus to the last stop or getting off at an interchange and getting on the next bus that pulled in. I explored most of Hobart that way.
I've done the same thing in other places since then and once i got my drivers licence, nothing could stop me. I also have a super power. I have the ability to walk down streets in my head, to remember places via landmarks and suburb names and when i'm alone in my car i will try different ways to get where i'm going. It helps that living on the Gold Coast there are at least 5 different ways to get anywhere and i know them all :)
I managed to get a car park at TAFE this morning and i wasn't late for class but i needed the drive, alone in my car to make peace with myself and to keep moving. Weather i'm lost in a city or within my own body i can always find my way out again. All i need is a little bit of time, space and freedom.
In the end when i'm lost i'm found.
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